Louisa Simmonds

English: Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones NYC show, taken with a Nikon F (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.” ~ Kathleen Mifsud

Men, like women, come in all shapes, sizes and guises. Like women, none of them are perfect. Some men are needy, some jealous or too possessive; others are uncaring, bullish or as dull as watching paint dry. That’s why it’s so hard to find that perfect partner, let alone a soul mate.

It’s also why the divorce rate is increasing at an alarming rate. Especially in the middle-age range.

You’d have thought that if you make it into your forties with the same man, you’re definitely ‘lifers’; but apparently that’s no longer the case.

You see, women have more choices these days. And their tastes and needs change as they get older and become wiser. In middle-age, the mature women is no longer vetting men as a potential father to her children, she is seeking a man to spark her interest, to light her fire.

Sure, he still needs to have all the inherently good qualities too, like compassion, honesty and integrity, but he can’t afford to rest on his laurels anymore and rely on his bank balance as a replacement for effort.

I wonder if the old man and I would pick each other were we to lock eyes over a speed-dating table now? (It goes without saying that obviously the old man would not be seen dead at a speed-dating table in reality, because that would involve organization and effort, and he might miss some sport on tv).

But with more middle-aged women either working or going back to work after raising their children, and more importantly, becoming financially independent, they no longer have to settle for someone who’s not quite Mr Right.

English: Barack Obama delivers a speech at the University of Southern California (Video of the speech) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A fact that made me fantasise think about what my perfect man would be like now, at this time of my life, if I had to choose again. And how my needs in a partner may have changed as they have evolved with age.

According to an article in the Mail Online, Mr Right is a beer-drinking, meat-eating, hair-free (apart from on his head presumably), man of average intelligence who loves shopping, is handy with a screwdriver, drives an Audi and is earning $70,000 per year.

I can only assume that women under the age of thirty created this particular wish list, because women over forty have a completely different set of credentials. Interestingly, cerebral and sexual benefits outweigh financial health and physical good looks for the mature woman.

So if the old man wasn’t quite as perfect as he is, here’s what I would be looking for:

1. Height: 6’ is a good height but fundamentally he just has to be taller than me. Shorter is just plain awkward.
2. Hair:  I am surprisingly accepting of lack of hair on the head, but my perfect man does need to be ‘as hairy as’ everywhere else to rock my boat…..I’m talking Gorilla-style ideally. None of your metrosexual clipping, waxing and male narcissism for me. I like running my fingers through tufts of man-fur. Hair on the back, however, is divorce worthy.
3. Earnings: As long as he can contribute to keeping me in the luxury I deserve and have become accustomed to, it’s fine.
4. Brain Function:
5. Cerebral – great;
6. Well-read – bonus;
7. Arrogantly farty – no thanks;
8. Intense – running as fast as I can. I want to learn from him and with him but I don’t want to be patronised by him or for him to use words that I have to look up in a dictionary.
9. Man-Shopper: I can’t imagine anything worse than a man who loves shopping, unless it’s for me or for food.
10. Handyman: YES! YES! YES!
11. Drink of choice: Wine or Champagne – beer produces baby bellies, wind, boy behaviour and bad breath.
12. Food of Choice: Anything as long as it’s not ‘fast’.
13. Technique in Bed: Open to innovation as long as it’s not ‘fast’
14. Style: Chris Hemsworth by day, Bradley Cooper by night, Mick Jagger in bed.
15. Car: Completely indifferent.
16. Mutual Interests: Must keep fit, like drama on tv, live music, wine, piano bars, putting themselves second in bed.
17. Biggest Turn-On: Voice, humour, great Dad, giving (of self), generous
18. Biggest turn off: Selfishness, vanity, hairy back, nose-picker, self-interest, being more high-maintenance than me
19. Emotions: Neither a bottler nor a blubberer

During my research, I asked the old man for his opinion about what he thought middle-aged women want in a man.

English: Woody Allen in concert in New York City. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

His response: (said in patronizing, pathetic, high pitched, what he thinks is a ‘girl’ voice) ‘

‘At one with their emotions, great father, great husband, kind, considerate (insert wretching noise), wealthy (said disdainfully), giving, caring….’

Did I mention that it would be refreshing to have someone ‘mature’ in my credentials for my new ideal man? I declined asking him for his feedback on what middle-aged men want in a woman.

So here is my choice of ideal, famous, middle-aged men with keywords to sum up their personal appeal:

Denzel Washington – ‘talented’, ‘black’, ‘gentleman’, ‘sexy’, ‘suave’

Mick Jagger – ‘Mars Bar’, ‘bad-boy’, ‘naughty’, ‘bed’

Barack Obama – ‘power’, ‘cerebral’, ‘innovator’ and did I mention ‘power’?

David Bowie –  ‘androgynous’, ‘beautiful’, ‘dangerous’, ‘stylish’

Vigo Mortenssen – ‘sexy’, ‘powerful’, ‘Neanderthal’, ‘strong’

Richard Gere – ‘officer’, ‘gentleman’, ‘gigolo’, ‘91/2 Weeks’, ‘ice-cube’

Woody Allen – (bear with me on this one) –  ‘so f*cking funny you’d be laughing your tits off all the time and you wouldn’t have time to think about sex anyway.

And as boringly predictable as he is, it would be unforgivable for me not to mention George – ‘LUST’, ‘LUST’, ‘LUST’

 So tell me, who is your perfect man and why?

(In the meantime, obviously the old man and I have some things to work out. Which just goes to prove that men really are from Mars and women are undeniably perfect).

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