Louisa Simmonds

In the thick of a texting argument with my much-loved son this morning – he was in his Ancient History class and I was attempting to work from home – I’m not sure why, but my mind kept wandering to French toast, cream, maple syrup and raspberries.

Picture of french toast (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Because sometimes I need a treat or some consolation for being this cigarette butt of a mother who gets trodden into the dirt when my boy has problems controlling his emotions.

When I was younger, it was much easier to let off steam or get a ‘high’ to make myself feel better. But getting kicks these days isn’t quite as straightforward.

In my twenties and thirties, when my morbidity wasn’t staring me quite so obviously in the face, I smoked this and that, had the desire and energy for multiple orgasms, a tolerance for more than two glasses of wine and the metabolism to eat every fucking pie on the table.

My fantasies these days have slowed down evolved with age and are slightly less exuberant.

In my twenties I still fantasised about having sex with my husband! In my thirties I fantasised about ‘ uninterrupted sleep’, and now I’m in my forties I fantasise about being alone and naked with a melting Chocolate Lava Cake.

English: Chris Hemsworth at 2010 Comic-Con International (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Stalking Chris Hemsworth has worked on occasion if I’m honest, as has Champagne, an erotic novel or a satiating splurge at Zara.

But there’s nothing quite as erogenous as FOOD and EATING to get the heart rate pulsing. It always hits the G Spot, whether it’s a bit of rough at Maccas (to quench the hangover from hell) or the finest Sushimi from my local Japanese.

So say, (in your truly, wildest fantasies), we were now in some middle-aged, female Utopia where you didn’t put a kilo on the minute you looked at, thought about, licked your lips in anticipation over, or (God help you), actually ATE ‘REAL’ FOOD – what would be your food fantasy?

Here’s a list of the sexual food fantasies that get my saliva flowing these days:

Smoked salmon, creamy cheese and dill

Chocolate Lava cake

Affogato with Tiramisu

Affogato from Tapped and Packed (Photo credit: Nick Ludlam)

Christmas pudding with brandy sauce

Vine-ripened tomatoes, basil, Boccocini and good Olive oil

Fillet steak and string fries

Mussels in a white wine and cream sauce with crusty bread

Ben and Jerry’s ice cream

Salted caramel ‘anything’

Fresh Guacomole and salty chips

Getting excited yet?

#foodfantasies #Women #foodporn #middleaged #Humor #Eating #Cooking #Sex