Louisa Simmonds

STEVIE MAY Dont Tassle Me Dress (Myer)

There’s a hideous, fine line to tread when you’re middle-aged and decide to wear a floaty, summer dress. It’s the line between looking ‘hot’ and looking like a sack of potatoes. 

TRENT NATHAN Splice Panel Shift Dress (Myer)

Especially if you’re vertically-challenged like me, as well as being over-forty.

I really like the idea of dresses for this summer, (which promises to be a scorcher here in Australia), mainly because I feel too over-exposed in shorts these days, but also because I don’t want the VERY visible panty line of my granny-knickers demonstrating just how much I don’t care.

But sadly, wrapping swathes of excess fabric around the Ruben-esque physique can be a perilous risk, because it can make me look actually bigger than I am, and I’ve never been able to wear anything waisted or belted at the waist because I’ve never had a waist.

Tie Waist Rib Dress (Country Road)

I had hoped that when maxi dresses came back into fashion a couple of years ago, I was sorted. Maxi dresses are the western version of the Burqa and ideal for the middle-aged woman who likes to be invisible, thank you very much.

But if it’s possible, they make me look shorter and dumpier than I am. I’ve also tried the Victoria Beckham-style condom, hoping it would suck all my curves into submission, but frankly, I’m too old for that level of torture. So what a relief when I noticed that some of the high street shops such as Cue, here in Oz, have brought in some rather cute little shift dresses this season.

The shift dress is the middle-aged woman’s BFF.

Shift dresses don’t get around the problem that the high street stores, in general, (by refusing to cater for women over a certain age, even though that’s where the money lies, bitches), seem to think we older women still want to wear dresses that flaunt our sagging butt cheeks and no-entry vaginas… but it’s a move in the right direction.

If the hemline is short, however, and you’re nudging or over-50, and really don’t want to look like a hooker, can I suggest flats with these dresses rather than fuck-me slingbacks that the models pose in.

Spliced Lace Flare Hem Dress by Cue

Anyhow, I’ve had a browse on your behalf and found a few cute little dresses that I’m going to try out next time the old man is forced to give me money for sexual favours. Don’t be afraid of the gangly models in these photos with their legs up to their ears – they are actually martians sent to test our superior strength. We all know that REAL women don’t look like that, nor would we want to look like that…except when it comes to being able to see at concerts

Let me know if any of these styles tickle your fancy because I’m tempted to bury my last ounces of self-esteem and go try them out NOW.

I’m feeling stronger. Hell! I went swimming costume shopping a few weeks ago. 

WAYNE BY WAYNE COOPER
Silver Cut Out Neck Shift Dress

Contrast Lace Shift Dress by Cue

Print Wedge Dress by Country Road

Spliced Dress by Witchery

#fashion #dresses #shiftdresses #Women #style #summer #middleage #Humor