Louisa Simmonds

1. Whenever I think I’ve finally reached rock bottom, I can always rely on my teenagers to up the ante.
2. The word ‘meringue’ springs to mind whenever I wear a cream dress.
3. I need stop at one whisky.
4. All diets are lies.
5. The upside to being ‘invisible’ is not giving a shit about what I look like in public.
6. Yoga pants and leggings get a bad rap these days; personally, I think they’re underrated.
7. Men CAN change – don’t let them tell you any different.
8. Skiing is like glamping – an endurance test dressed up by men to look like something fun.
9. ‘Loose change’ will never be a problem in a house with teenagers.
10. If a size 12 equates to a size ‘large’ in Zara, I don’t need that level of shit.
11. Sexy ‘big knickers’ are still to be invented.
12. The most-used word in my vocabulary last year was ‘thing.’
13. Mad Men is the finest historical documentary about sexism and John Hamm’s developing sexiness.
14. I want Jon Hamm’s babies.
15. Albeit horribly undignified, the process of home poo testing is now a reality.
16. I still have no idea what the difference is between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ cholesterol and continue to stare blankly at the doctor when she explains my results.
17. 10,000 steps is way more than a fucking walk.
18. I made a mistake – men cannot be conditioned to wipe down bench tops, replace toilet rolls or answer when spoken to the first time.
19. Teenagers have a gap in the synapses of their brain vis a vis hanging up wet towels, walking the dog and emptying the dishwasher.
20. It’s impossible not to get wee all over yourself when you use the ‘pull to the side’ method for a full piece swimming costume.
21. Netflix is the welcome third wheel to a long marriage.
22. You can use the camera on your iPhone from that little camera icon at the bottom right of your screen.
23. NEVER ride a motor bike or climb a ladder (thank you 24Hrs In Emergency)
24. My most over-used phrase last year was: ‘why did I start telling you that?’
25. Bacon is still worth the cancer risk.
26. Colouring-in is still boring.
27. I could be a really good swimmer if swimming goggles existed that didn’t leak.
28. Although my ovaries no longer function in the role they were designed for, they do however, become highly activated these days at the sight and smell of babies.
29. From my limited experience so far, Dementia is gonna really suck.
30. You must never accept that you’re too old or too cuddly to rock a bikini.

#2015 #Humor #Life #teenagers