Louisa Simmonds

I’m so relieved that Pippa Middleton finally found a gorgeous, generous man who took pity on her, pulled her off the shelf and played with her like some old raggedy doll from Play School.

She has finally been defined as a person.

And she’s in her thirties, after all, so phew! how lucky was she to get off that shelf, just in time. How lucky for all of us married women to have a man to look after us.

And how sad for Lady GaGa, who lost her man recently when she split from her fiancé after five years together. What on earth will she do for money now? How on earth will she survive in the world on her own?

If I read one more fucking article with these bullshit insinuations about how happy women such as Pippa should be to get hooked up with a man, I will melt down my wedding ring and make a piercing for my clitoris.

I blame biology and the clock ticking partly, because apparently it incites many women to become psychopathic about marrying before their eggs shrivel up, and all men to believe that we need them.

Two words: Sperm bank.

It’s not like Pippa would be out on the streets exactly, if James Matthews (did I mention that he’s a hedge-fund multi-millionaire?) hadn’t taken her in. No doubt educated at one of Britain’s finest public schools and with the support of a middle-class family behind her as well as some rather fortunate connections to royalty, I doubt she’d have to interview for the role of Kate’s lady-in-waiting should she find herself in the dire circumstance of being an old maid.

She also possesses the only ass in the world to rival the great KK’s, and we all know that a good backside is the new currency, so surely some young man… somewhere… would have adopted it.

Lucky for her that James is a hedge-fund multimillionaire, yes, I did say A HEDGE-FUND MULTI-MIlLLIONAIRE, because poor Pippa hasn’t had quite as much luck with her failed book and…um… career.

Still…

“She can settle into domestic bliss with her rich husband, shuttling between what no doubt will be houses in London and somewhere in the English countryside (to indulge in shooting, riding and other sports) and then winters (with or without her royal sister) on the ski slopes of France or Switzerland and, no doubt, on the beaches of St Barts.” (WWD.com)

But every cloud has a silver lining and James’ proposal also helped burst the unfortunate strumpet reputation that poor Pippa acquired around the same time her sister entrapped her own man sending Pippa off the rails for a bit, which led to a very public succession of relationships that further compounded the media’s belief that she really was a little bit desperate and that all women are fundamentally whores when they don’t have a man to tame them.

Please stop feeding us this false image that all women want the Disney dream of marriage, preferably to a prince with a big… ring and car. Stop giving us wedding shows like Bridezillas and The Bachelor. Please stop stereotyping us as crazed, catty vixens prepared to do just about anything to entrap our man, compared to how the opposite sex are portrayed as down-trodden, coerced, manipulated and cool.

Interesting how many women are abused or violated due to the anger management and jealousy issues of those same chilled-out men.

It terrifies me that my daughter’s generation are buying back into the concept that they need a man and a ring to define them when we have come so far, a view that is further enhanced by the modern dating game of label-free relationships, weddings as a social status that break the bank, (because obviously the bigger your wedding, the more you must be in love), and the expensive divorce which usually follows it.

#Women #men #Humor #Marriage #Relationships