Louisa Simmonds

It is perhaps a sign of my increasing immaturity that one of the most exciting things I’ve done recently was to scroll through “Bumble” with my daughter. I still feel slightly miffed that I missed out on a way to date without having to leave the house.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bumble, it is one of the newer dating sites, for the older, more discerning millennial, not yet ready for RSVP, looking for something more holistic than casual sex or the best avocado on toast. It has been described as the “The Feminist Tinder,” a dating site that “gives women respect and autonomy”. (Kristin Magaldi)

As Bella Pope says, ‘It is unlike Tinder, which has become known more for its hooking up aspects than for its relationship matching. The truth is, many people on Tinder just want to get laid… Bumble puts women in charge, the guys on this app are looking for more than a one-night stand.’

And if this is how our youth date, who am I to judge? It certainly beats standing around at a disco in the community hall talking to some numbskull who can’t string a sentence together, for the sake of a free Cruiser.

At almost twenty-three, a staunch feminist and busy proving the twat-dom of Trump and Turnbull when it comes to climate change, NC has not fully decided if she needs a man in her life. Occasionally, however, she dips her toe into the Bumble site to test the IQ of her male peers, while I, like a dog in front of bacon, beg for a morsel. And finally, after the bribe of a week of gourmet vegetarian meals and the cleaning magic of the old man in her bedroom, she agreed that we could play together.

The way Bumble works is the girl gets to scroll through photos of men and swipe a certain way to make a match and then they contact the guy – which is, frankly, where it gets a bit awkward. In my opinion, the best part is scrolling through the sweetie shop – similar to when we used to browse through the Argos toy catalogue before Christmas as re kids, only this catalogue is essentially full of male models.

Let’s be honest here, at our age, any male under the age of forty-five looks attractive and these spunks were all between twenty-two and thirty. That’s right –, between the ages of twenty-two and thirty!

Obviously, you are meant to focus on the bio, and once I had reeled my tongue back in from off the floor at the sight of so many perfect abs and so little body hair – most of them *swoon* even had hair on their head as well – I did check out their personalities for someone for my daughter with that elusive combination of brawns and brain.

Anyway, for those of you with daughters poised to begin online dating for Mr or Mrs Right, here’s what you need to know about Bumble:

If men can’t write a bio, you have to ask yourself how easy it’s going to be for them to make conversation?

Men are not shy about objectifying themselves and obviously believe that their body shots – surf, gym, beach, ie. Muchos CHEST – are their biggest selling points. I kid you not, NC’s nerd filter threw up a bunch of biochemists and physicists that looked like they’d walked straight off the Milan catwalk.

Men are not as stupid as they look and have caught on that if they hold a puppy or a baby in their arms, ovaries burst – although one man had one of each and we decided that he was pushing his luck, AKA, desperado.

For some very strange reason, some men believe that posting a photo with their ex is a good idea. These silly boys should go back to Tinder or to playing football in the yard, and NC says that if the girl is ‘hotter’ than her, it’s a complete non-starter.

For some reason, men don’t think we realize that if they post a photo of them in a group photo, it is very likely that they are the ugly one. Likewise, if they wear sunglasses.

They also think that we don’t realize that if they put themselves in a group shot with women, they are probably short or gay.

Men in this age range who believe that photos of them in dress up or drag will attract women should probably go back to Tinder or a fetish site.

Men believe their height is a huge influence and many of them post this information within the very limited bio. You may have to go back to Tinder if you want dick size.

#Millennials #datingsite #dating #Women #onlinedating #Humor #Bumble