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Why I’ll Never Be A Good Cook
I always won the ‘progress’ prize at school – never the ‘outrageously gifted’ or abundance of academic and sports prizes that the beautiful head girl with the double-barrelled name won – the girl that all of us boarders had a secret crush on, because she was not only gifted, but surprisingly nice. No, mine was…
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The Brazilian Conspiracy
I’ve always believed that there’s enough unwanted hair on women’s bodies to deal with at this stage of our lives, without us having to go through the pain and cost of getting our fannies waxed every few weeks. I think SOME body hair is attractive I reckon I could start a profitable business in wigs…
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14 Ways To Achieve Fuck All On A Rainy Day
You might have gathered from the news that it’s been raining kangaroos and funnel web spiders here in Australia over the past few days. There’s this giant myth around the rest of the world that it’s sunny all year around here, and if you live in states of the country fortunate to have crocs and…
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Why I Blog…
I had the chance to speak at a local library event recently about blogging, using this blog as my example. It had little to do with talent or notability, more an obvious case of nepotism as one of my close friends is a librarian there, but we all have to start somewhere. One of the…
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There Are Two Sides To Every Victim Story
What a sad week it has been in the news; a week when the adage that there are two sides to every story has never rung more true. There’s not a lot I can add to the extensive debate surrounding the Depp/Heard story, but when I began this post, soon after the news first hit…
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Family: You Can Run But You Can’t Hide
From what I understand, one of the few benefits of divorce is that you occasionally get a break from the kids. One of the benefits of migration is that you get to keep the day-to-day responsibilities of being part of a dysfunctional family at arms length. Family and ‘home’ In spite of the logistics, my…
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The Idiot’s Guide To Baking Macaroons
I know you’re impressed! Frankly, I can’t imagine anything worse than a cooking class but I suspected that if my sister and I didn’t organise something to keep us busy for at least part of the day we met in London, we would spend eight hours in a pub somewhere getting shit-faced. The apple doesn’t…
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When Your Parent Abandons You
The other day NC was telling us about her plans for the next seven months or so while she has a gap between her degree and her Masters. More accurately, she gave us an outline of how her plans away from home will improve her continued personal growth trajectory. Yes, that’s definitely igneous… The old…
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Never Judge A Book By Its Cover
Picture the scene. I’m at the local pool, in the fast lane even though I know that I have no right to be there after two weeks of culinary debauchery and enough alcohol in my body to pickle every organ, but I don’t feel too guilty because there’s some cheeky geriatric in there, too, and…
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And Now For Some Food Porn From London
The old man lost weight while we were away – which is obviously grounds for divorce – and as far as I can see there can be no biological culprit of this inequality, other than my old friend menopause. Because we ate mostly the same quantity of food while we were away – if you…
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My Top 35 Rules For A Happy Life
This list felt particularly poignant last week, the night before we boarded our first flight without our children, when I was as anxious AF about leaving my ‘babies’ behind. However, (and before I’m reported to Child Services), let me reassure you that our ‘babies’ are eighteen and twenty-one respectively, but if perchance I do bump…
LOUISA SIMMONDS 