Category: Ageing
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Help! I Had A Sex Dream About Malcolm Turnbull
I had a sex dream about our Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull the other night, which was particularly disappointing having forked out twenty dollars that afternoon to ogle see Chris Hemsworth in the latest Thor movie. For those of my international readers who don’t follow Australian politics religiously, and haven’t a clue what an understated sex…
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I Like To Think An Old Dog Can Learn New Tricks…
However… every trip out of the home these days seems to involve some shaming new public lesson in technology that highlights my mom-ness and has zero human interaction or support. I pity the really old people who used to see a trip to the shops as the one chance in their day for conversation. I think…
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The Link Between Insomnia In Middle Age And The Boomerang Generation
Biologically-speaking, there is a proven link between sleep problems, peri-menopause, and menopause. It has something to do with the dying noises created by your ovaries, dreams, and looks as they wither, and a lot to do with how much you hate the person sleeping next to you. However, my own research lists other contributing factors,…
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How Much Do You Drink?
That’s the question that makes you cross your legs in shame in middle-age, similar in awkwardness to when the doctor used to ask you how much you smoked or how often you have sex, or (more pertinent these days) when was your last mammogram? Fact: every smoker lies. The ‘walk of shame’ these days is…
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Every Woman Has Had A Harvey Weinstein Experience
I had to take the old man’s car to the garage the other day to get a quote for some hailstorm damage. When we first moved to Australia and our friends warned us about hailstones as big as golf balls and that the priority in terms of buying a house was to have either a…
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Things I’m Too Old For – Music Gigs
This post is the first in a new series called “Things I’m Too Old for;” an idea I came up with the other night when we went into the city to watch a gig roughly two nights before we moved house – cos that’s what you do when you’re about to experience one of the…
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15 Of The Worst Parts About “Adulting”
No one warned us about “adulting”, did they? When I used to come home from uni to find Post-Its stuck around the house with messages in capitals like ‘put your shoes away’ or ‘put the lid on the toothpaste’, I thought my dad was anal – or just old – and that when he wasn’t…
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Eyebrow Problems In Middle Age
I went through another of those middle-aged duty calls in order to meet the aesthetic expectations placed upon womankind the other day – the utter onerousness of a waxing session. I shouldn’t grumble really, hair-care it is the only beauty treatment I pay for to meet society’s expectations of beauty so that I don’t terrify…
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Romance Goals And How Sometimes It’s Best To Say Nothing At All
‘Have you farted?’ the old man said to me as he brushed past me to get into my bath water. Not exactly the three words I hoped to hear when we said our vows nearly twenty-five years ago. But if he’d said ‘I love you’, I would probably have worried that he was hiding something.…
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Middle Aged Clothes-Shopping Hell
Ahead of my birthday celebrations last weekend, I foolishly chose to waste a whole hour of my remaining lifetime on The Iconic, when I could have been catching up on The Bachelor and drooling over Matty J’s ass with NC. Needless, to say I drew a blank. Now I’m not going to bag the Iconic…
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The Continuing Saga Of Co-Habiting With Young Adults
I would like to be able to blame Menopause for my recent bouts of insomnia but it is becoming increasingly obvious that my lack of sleep has more to do with the nightly comings and goings in our frat house and the entitlement of our young adults than my hormones. I get it. I know…
LOUISA SIMMONDS 